I recently had an individual ask me "Skye, do you even want to get married?" Ummm... I'm sorry what? Who are you? Get behind me satan! (Just joking) I think I spat out some stupid answer like "oh for sure!" After pondering the question for a few days, what I wish I had responded was..
"I wish that I could give you a glimpse into the ache that encompasses my heart almost daily. It's an ache to come into my home and not be the only one standing there knowing that no one else is walking through the door after me. An ache to know what it feels like to go through hardships with my teammate next to me, praying for me and cheering me on. An ache to not do everything mundane in my life alone (take out the garbage, go grocery shopping, get my car fixed, make large decisions about future). The weight that I have to sometimes drag behind me from the exhaustion I feel of doing life "alone". Or, the simple ache of looking down at my finger and not seeing the promise of covenant, of forever. So, yes, of course I want to get married."
NOW. Before you call me concerned wondering if I'm doing okay, or how my heart is, take a chill pill. My heart is fine and I'm doing well. I am not bitter, or upset with the Lord (or my first boyfriend for not marrying me), I am not even jealous of all my friends who find themselves in relationships. I have amazing community around me, friends who love me deeply and who check in on me. I have a family upstairs who make coming home alone easier to bear. I also have people who are praying and believing with me for my future. I understand that my life does not revolve around the marriage that will one day come, nor do I live my life striving after that one aspect. I am not desperate for marriage to the point where I would hand myself over to any Tom, Dick or Harry that came to the door. What I will tell you is that there is a weight that comes with this season. Maybe you've experienced it but maybe you haven't and if I can be honest, unless you are older and still single I would guess you haven't experienced the significance of the weight. Please do not get ready to stone me for that thought, I am not taking away from the value of everyone's journey at all nor am I trying to tell you that it wasn't or isn't hard. But there is significant distance between being 20 and single, and being 30 and single. But here is the beauty of redemption and of the God that I serve.. I wouldn't trade these last years for a ring on my finger and a man on my arm. I had a lot of growing up to do. In the process, there were a lot of things for me to learn not only about myself; about who I would soon become but about what I would need in a husband. If you would allow me, I have some advice for those of you that are single waiting on your teammate for both males and females....
1. Men: Please, if you feel led to interrupt our lives... We welcome the interruption of who you are and everything that you bring.
- Now, WOMEN listen up... you need to be people who are okay with the interruption. Do not get so carried away with yourself and your "wants and needs" that you forget to give him a chance. THROW OUT YOUR LIST and open your heart and mind to the possibility that he may not be what you thought you wanted.
2. Women: Get off your high horse and bring yourself back to reality for a minute. If a man pursues you, don't be a jerk about it if you ain't feelin' him. Be respectful of him and his process. Take a minute and try and understand that he is going out on a limb and he doesn't even know if that limb is attached to something. It takes courage and bravery to be vulnerable like that. Unless you want to be single for life, lose the attitude and treat him with respect. EVEN if you know that it is not something that you are into, he still deserves your respect and to walk away with his dignity.
- Now, MEN, make a move! Be brave! Take a chance! As a woman, one of the toughest things is to sit and wait for you to make a move. We are feelin' you, but because we want to respect and honour you, we will not pursue you and take that away from you. I know, I know, there's a process and you want to make sure it'll work and blah blah blah. Just step out and see what happens!
3. Men (and women too): Please stop allowing your past to dictate your future, give us a chance to show you that WHO you are means more than WHAT you've done. Don't act like you're the only one that's bringing more than just a carry on into the relationship. We all have pasts, some more jaded than others but we all serve the same God and forgiveness flows deep. Don't discount who you are just because of what you've done in your past. Give us a chance to prove to you. Maybe you messed up big in past relationships, maybe you've been married before, maybe you partied hard and gave yourself away before you should've, maybe you were addicted to porn, maybe your parents are divorced or you were abused. Whatever the case, don't stay where you are.
4. Women (and men too): Is the first person your consulting the Lord? We are too quick to open our mouths to our girlfriends or others who have no business knowing what's going on between you and that man or in your heart. Is nothing sacred anymore? There are people in your corner that you go to for advice, of course. But your first person should be Christ, whether you are male or female. Men, you will be expected to be the spiritual leaders in your homes and if you are not going to Christ first than you won't be able to be that. Women your husband needs to trust you and that will not happen if you're running your mouth to everyone but the one who created you.
5.Men: Can I be super transparent here (more than I am)? There is NOTHING more attractive (to me at least, and I know some of my girls will back me up on this) than to watch a man worship the Lord in full abandon. Nothing makes my heart flutter more than watching him in sweet surrender with his arms raised during worship. Don't be afraid of that! Let it go!
- Women: Focus on Christ! Keep your eyes closed! (haha! Sorry, now all y'all are going to be scanning church "mmhmmm, look at that boy worship! Lord have mercy!")
6. Men and Women: Don't expect to be perfect to win their affection, and if that is a requirement RUN. You won't have everything put together, you won't have full healing on some things, you'll be working hard at others, you'll be imperfect but guess what? You'll be imperfect for the rest of your life! Get over it! Work on what the Lord is highlighting to you, and if someone comes and interrupts your life, than join them and continue to work on what Christ is doing in you!
7. Men: If she is grovelling at your feet.. RUN, you do not need that! That girl got a whole lotta issues that you will NOT fix. You were never meant to fix her, you are not designed to be her saviour. That pressure will cripple you and all it will do is bring feelings of failure to who you are as a man and keep her where she is. You hold out for a woman who doesn't NEED you, but who WANTS you. Someone who will be your teammate, cheer you on, try and understand your passions even though they are different than hers, who understands "guys night" and whatever that entails.
8. Women: Be presentable. There's no need to show more skin than you need to for attention. If he isn't going to pay attention to you while you're fully clothed, than he is not worth your time and effort nor will he pay attention to you for long if you aren't fully clothed. Your worth is in Christ, not man and no one can make you work that hard for affection, safety, security, commitment and permanence. Hold out sweet child, prince charming doesn't exist but there are men who are willing to fight for you and die for you because of WHO you are not WHAT you can give them.
I got rid of my list 5 years ago and it has been the most freeing and rewarding years of my life. As I wait on the Lord for my man, I continue to leave my hands open with a never say never mentality. If he loves Jesus, seeks him and his counsel, makes me laugh and keeps me smiling than that's all the list I need. Everything else in between are small details, and all of them can be figured out when the time comes. All that truly matters is that your chasing after the same person... Christ.
So, I don't know who you are, but the interruption is welcomed.