Check Out Line
I was asked out on a date the other night.. . now before you get offended that I didn't tell you, or scream out of complete excitement/shock (a combination of which you're not sure what emotion is winning)... it didn't happen. He canceled with 45 mins remaining before we were supposed to meet. I was in the middle of perfecting my "oh my gosh what the heck am I supposed to wear on a first date?!" freak out and my "Lord, please if there is ever a day for you to bless me with good hair, let it be today" prayer when I got the text. I sat on my bed super bummed trying to decide whether or not to cry (obviously not, because I wasn't that invested, but it felt like the appropriate response) or be pissed that I was dressed cute as heck with no where to go (which, was my obvious response). I won't lie to you when I tell you that there was a good couple of hours in between him asking me to the moment he canceled where I was freaking my freak out. Was I ready to be in a relationship? Was I willing to share my time with someone? Be accountable to them? Was I ready to get that vulnerable with a GUY?!
I know, I know.. slow your roll Sealey it's only a first date, not an arranged marriage. But, they are valid questions and ones that I should have figured out by 31 years old. But, can you ever really be "ready"? And if so, what does that look like? If you know the answer, tell me! Maybe I should consider writing a book called "dating for dummies and those who don't have a clue what they want or are doing." I can see the best seller list now...
As I was laying in bed that night recounting all the days events and remembering all the times I've been victim to stupid tag lines or one liners from guys, I started to think... Guys really do need help. Let's have an honest moment right now ladies and admit that we are not easy to figure out. I'm a woman and I still don't have a clue what is going on with my heart half the time...
So, guys, here is my free, completely unsolicited, potentially offensive advice on how to figure out a woman and date properly...
1. Please don't be 37 and "wanting to date but nothing serious" (or as my friend calls it- don't be an idiot). Like, if you don't have your stuff together with even a slight vision for your life by then, than I'm sorry but B Y E. There is nothing attractive about an old playboy who doesn't want to get serious about life. Don't waste our time.
2. Please, please, please, do not attempt to start a conversation with me with just one "hey." If you cannot use that incredibly mastered brain of yours to join that hey with some friend-chips than please don't bother. When you're ready, come back with some dip.
3. If something happens and you have to cancel our date (I get it! Life happens, no problem!) Please don't text me and tell me. Call me. Pick up that scary thing in your hand and use it to talk to me. And, don't just say that you will make plans again, make plans right then. Or if you can't (I get it, I need my day planner to understand my life too), than make sure that the next time we talk, you are bringing a plan to the table. Because when you cancel a first date, I will guarantee that it won't matter what the reason is, we will think it's because you actually don't want to get to know us. And then that is made worse when you don't ever bring it up again. And then we are left thinking... cool, soooo we doing this or not?
4. If you are interested and start pursuing but then something changes your mind, you suddenly become gay (offensive? Maybe, but it happened to a friend of mine), or you find her freak flag too freaky, than please be a man and use your words. Do not just disappear, or pretend you haven't been getting her texts or your phones broken- new phone, who dis? We are all adults here- at least we should be- just be honest. There is nothing more annoying than when a man seems interested and then the trail drops cold turkey. It's like in crime shows when the dogs are sniffing out the bad guys and then suddenly they stop dead in their tracks with no explanation. Like, I'm sorry, but with ninja skills like that you should be in the CIA
5. Get your disgusting and unflattering pick up lines out of here. Don't come at me saying "girl, you waiting in the check out line? Cause I am for sure checking you out." I will either throw up, laugh at you or look at you blankly before I walk away. Don't overthink it. Don't take any advice from movies. Just be yourself! There is nothing wrong with just wanting to get to know a girl and saying that... "Hey, I think you're cool, can we grab coffee?" You will get a way better response than any of those one liners, I guarantee.
6. If texting is your preferred method of communication, than you better be perfect at it. Don't send me a text starting a conversation and then drop off the map for a day. I will drop you quicker than our conversation. Texting is not an excuse for you to be an idiot.
7. Let us, for once, bring in the refreshing communication form of... honesty. Nervous? Than say it! Super into her but lost for words? Than speak it! Don't be someone you aren't just trying to protect your ego. Honesty is the best policy and it will open up a world of beauty to you, I promise.
8. Please don't be pushing a pull door and wondering why nothing in your life isn't working.. JUST READ THE SIGN!