Made Your Mark On Me
If you know me, than you may know that relationships are very important to me and I put my heart into everything and much to my mother's dismay (because she's a psychologist and the level headed one between us and never raised me like this) I also take everything personally. Even if it had nothing at all to do with me I will find a way to make it about me. This combo is deadly for a sensitive heart. 3 months ago my heart took a hit that I was not prepared for. Blindsided, I strained to lift my eyes up from my crouching position to see what had hit me. I wish I could tell you it was a physical fight and that I kicked the crap out of the other person. Or that it was someone coming after one of my friends, and I stepped in and reminded them that if they wanted to get to them they had to get through me. Or perhaps that someone threatened my nephews or nieces and I put them in their place. But realistically, my bark is bigger than my bite and what attacked me was nothing that could be seen by the naked eye and it crumbled me like a stack of ritz crackers in your clenched hand. I laid flattened on the ground, exposed for everyone to see and no one to notice. Their words rang through my mind like a church bell would ring through the streets.
"You are just too much for me and I can't handle it anymore."
As the words chimed in, they would paralyze me in my steps causing me to physically grasp my chest to try and relieve the pressure that I felt.
I began to deeply hate myself. Playing their words on repeat, combining them with others from my past and mixing it with a concoction of my own it became a deadly mixture...
"There you go again Sealey, always having to screw up the good things that come into your life."
"You will never get this right."
"You will never be the person you desire to be."
"People will never love that part about you."
"You need to change everything about who you are, none of it is desirable."
"You're such a freak."
The more you listen to something, the more it becomes your truth regardless of how ridiculous it is in the beginning, it eventually will become the only thing you can hear and believe.
Maybe they were right.
Maybe I did need to change myself to make others more comfortable.
Maybe I loved too hard too quickly.
Maybe how I loved people was weird and overwhelming.
Maybe I needed to cool it in every aspect of my life, I was too much and there had been enough people that had rejected me to make a statement.
Fear gripped my heart, and I held tight to my newly restored friend, insecurity, and we set off for the journey that would completely cripple everything about who I knew myself to be. Rejection knocked on my door and based on how much luggage it brought with it, I wouldn't be getting out of this without a fight, or at the very least some bruises.
The hardest part of this kind of rejection for me is that there is a silver lining of truth to what they say about you. The truth is, I was overwhelming because I love people hard and quickly. The truth is that I have a big personality. The truth is, that I did push them away with who I was. For months I struggled through the thick weight of my actions, always turning to the underlying truth that she spoke to me, but feeling uncomfortable in the way it happened. For months, I allowed her words to fill my mind pushing out all the good that was in my mind and replacing it with a re-run of the scene. For months I was paralyzed in so many aspects of my life. I couldn't write, I couldn't find joy, I couldn't find the things about myself that I liked. Without even knowing it, I had handed this person complete power and control over my life in that short sentence; a control that they did not earn or deserve.
I tell you all of this not to get a sympathy vote but to bring to serve as a reminder that when you allow the words of others to carry more weight over you than they should, you will lose your way. You could lose the best thing about who you are because one person decided they couldn't get on board with that part of you. You could talk yourself out of what you are truly meant to do because one person one time said you couldn't do it. You could go your whole life hating your body because one time some stranger in a store said you would never fit into that dress. But here is the reality: it does not matter what they say. You are who you are, be unashamed and unreserved about it. It took me so long to get to this point. It took the wind out of my sails to get here. It took everything I had to listen to the real truth. And here is the real truth... I have countless friends who love me for who I am, every single jagged edge of me. Their favorite part about me is the way I love. I have a big personality, but it is what makes people feel comfortable around me and it's what attracts people to me. I love people deeply and quickly, but it's a gift that I have been given. The hardest truth for me to swallow was when I realized that not everyone will like me and that that is OKAY.
You will be too much for some people.
Those aren't your people.
Find people who celebrate every part of who you are.
Find people who cling to the truth of who you are even when you have deceived yourself.
Find people who can look you in your eye and say "you never have to question our friendship. Ever."
THOSE are your people.